The THRILL of Eating

These first two weeks I will be trying to get into the groove of being aware of what I eat and developing a better understanding of my relationship with food.

I've been thinking a lot about that, and while food is a comfort for me...it's been more about being free. Free to eat whatever I want and enjoy it...it's the best feeling. Granted at the end of the day, weeks, months, years I paid for it.

Growing up and into the first years of college I've always been so disciplined. I studied hard and got good grades; I ran the house and took care of my brother and sister while my single mom worked several jobs to make ends meet; I was strict with my eating habits and exercise...I did everything that everyone expected of me without giving it much thought. I've always been a "pleaser." However, as I got older I knew what I was "supposed" to do, but not really what I wanted to do. I would say this is a typical crisis of young adulthood. Everyone works through it and gets on their feet. But, for some reason instead of working through it I just let loose, and instead of being wild and crazy I kind of stopped caring so much. I began to withdraw and found that I could "let loose" with food.

It started with sneaking food, because everyone always knew me as a health nut, and I didn't want them to see me eating an entire pack of cookies or the entire bag of chips, or 3-4 candybars at at time. I would sneak food and just relish every moment of eating it...almost thrilled with the idea that I shouldn't be eating it. I probably gained 30lbs in the course of a year doing the sneak-binge. The only good thing about sneaking is that you can't be sneaky all the time, so it limited my binges.

However, when I got married I saw a whole new world of eating possibilities. My husband LOVES to eat, and he LOVES to eat A LOT! He encouraged me to join in with him, and it was like my fantasy...to be able to share in the thrill of eating all of those "naughty" foods with someone who enjoyed the food as much as me. He didn't judge me or put on any guilt trips...he enjoyed seeing my "healthy" appetite, and loved me all the more for it. I didn't realize it at the time, but I used food to create an emotional connection with my husband. When I think about all of the fun times with my husband most of those memories include food. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and our relationship is based on MUCH more than just food, but I'm starting to recognize how I relate with and connect to food, and this is a BIG part of it.

Here I am eight years later. Eight years of telling myself I didn't care, and that I should "eat, drink and be merry." I've come to realize that it has been a false sense of merriment, and turned into not caring about myself. Eating can still be fun and OH-SO-GOOD, but I'm done eating in a way that is abusive to my body and my soul.

It's time to start caring and KICK ASS!