Excuses...excuses

I'm really not trying to avoid blogging. My life has kind of been turned upside down the past few weeks. Things haven't exactly settled down either, so I'm just hanging on by a thread...

Anyway...I bet you didn't think it was possible to gain 15lbs in two weeks, but that is what I've done. 

Current Weight: 310 lbs 

I know it's not healthy, but that is where I'm at, and it's the result of some major emotional eating. 

I thought I had a better understanding of myself and had gained some control over my emotional connection with food, but obviously I was dreaming. I'm not giving up, but I've got to work through this rough spot. 

Shamefully Yours - Fattie

REALIZATION

WOW - I just realized that I lost 17lbs in one month! While it is not my goal to lose that much weight every month I wouldn't complain if I had a few more months like that! It just makes me wonder if I would have lost even more weight had I eaten better...

Week 4: 1.5 down 149.5 to go

Wow - things have been crazy busy. I know it's not the holidays yet, but I feel like I'm already in that holiday rush mode.

Anyway, I did weigh in on Thursday and was down 1.5 pounds to 295lbs...better than I thought considering I didn't eat as well as I should have.

I went to a bridal shower and had too many "oopsies" to count, but let's just say intead of sticking to spinach salad and fruit salad I also had to eat finger sandwiches and chocolates.

Someday I'm going to get this right.

Week 3: 2 lbs down 151 lbs to go

It's weigh-in Thursday, and I was expecting to have gained, because this two week Phase 1 of the South Beach diet is a challenge for me. I must not be eating enough vegetables, because I am still experiencing hunger...or cravings...or whatever it is. Three times I ate things I should not have...and one of those was last night. I was workinng (at night) and hunger and exhaustion took over.

Sometimes I think when my body is really tired it's natural response is to want food in order to give it more energy when it really only needs sleep. So, what did I do...I went to the bloody vending machine. As you all know most vending machines don't stock vegetables, but I could have at least gone for the healthiest snack in there: a granola bar. But NOOOO I had to go for these chocolate, peanut-butter waffer cookie things. I actually felt sick after eating it. BAD choice. Not to mention that I only worked out twice this week.

Unfortuantely, I know my body too well, and I think my next week's weigh-in is going to pay for this past week of stupidity. I'm going to see if I can make-up for it with some longer workouts.

PCOS

I know there are a few people who read my blog (thank you for your support)! I wanted to know if anyone out there has been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)?

I've had PCOS since college (maybe sooner, but that is when it was diagnosed), and I know for a fact that the condition can make it a little harder to lose weight. However, if the weight is lost it can greatly reduce your risk for the side effects of PCOS which are diabetes and heart disease. For those of you who don't know much about PCOS here is a quick definition from the Mayo Clinic:

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a common condition characterized by irregular menstrual periods, excess hair growth and obesity, though it can affect women in a variety of ways.

The exact cause of polycystic ovary syndrome is unknown, but the condition stems from a disruption in the monthly reproductive cycle. The name polycystic ovary syndrome comes from the appearance of the ovaries in some women with the disorder — large and studded with numerous cysts (polycystic).

Polycystic ovary syndrome affects about one in 10 women in the United States and is the leading cause of infertility in women. Early diagnosis and treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome can help reduce the risk of long-term complications, which include diabetes and heart disease.

One thing I have learned from doctors and dieticians alike is that a low glycemic index diet has been found successful in helping PCOS patients lose weight and prevent diabetes. That is another reason why I chose to use the South Beach Diet as my dietary guideline for weighloss.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the glycemic index it is a measure of the effects of carbohydrates on blood glucose levels. Carbohydrates that break down rapidly during digestion releasing glucose rapidly into the bloodstream have a high GI; carbohydrates that break down slowly, releasing glucose gradually into the bloodstream, have a low GI. The South Beach diet seems to promote eating foods that have a low GI, such a vegetables and whole grains. Since many PCOS patients are "pre-diabetic" or insulin resistant a diet that consists of lean proteins and low GI foods are very important not only for weightloss, but also for preventing diabetes.

After having PCOS for almost 10 years I am just starting to get this (duh).

So, I wanted to know if any of you have PCOS:

1)Have you experienced weight-loss struggles?

2)What methods, tools, etc do you find successful in acheiving your weight-loss/health goals?

Week 2: 0 lbs down 153.5 pounds to go

Today is weigh-in day! The scale read: 298.5.

I used to dread getting on the scale, but when I know on most occasions that the numbers will be lower each time I step on the scale then I look forward to it. I was expecting a little gain this time because of my stupid all-day binge on Sunday. But, amazingly my weight has stayed the same, and hopefully only this one time. I hope next Thursday will bring lesser numbers. I suppose that is up to me, isn't it?!

Rules Are Made to Be Broken...or Something Like That

I knew I was going to be eating my words when I made my "rules." I need to make a few adjustments...particularily to #4 & #6.

#4: 10pm bedtime - Well, unfotunately it is necessary for the survival of our family that I work a night job. This means that I usually don't get home until 10pm on most nights. Therefore, I think an 11pm bedtime will be more appropriate. I'm violating that right now as I type this post, but going forward I will make it my goal to be in bed by 11pm.

#6: Food Journal - My food journaling has been beneficial. It makes me conscious of everything that goes into my mouth because I know I have to write it down. However, with a household to run and a night job and a 14 month old and student husband to take care of...something has got to give. I am still going to keep a food journal, but not the elaborate food journal I have going on right now. I am going to just buy a little notebook and write down what I eat...no nutritional info. I think that is what took so much time...trying to figure out all of the calories, fat, carbs, proteins, etc. I've done this in the past, and it takes very little time, yet is very beneficial for me.

Which leads me to my #1 Rule: Eat to Live. I've done well for myself (accept for that oopsie a few days ago) watching what I eat. I've been prompted by a few friends to check out the South Beach Diet. I've never had much interest because I figured it's a fad diet similar to Atkins. However, I finally decided to at least read into it (well, the book that is), and have found that the eating lifestyle of the South Beach Diet is very similar to what I'm trying to do now.

So, my husband and I are on day two of Phase I of the S.B.D. I will say that neither of us are a big fan of this 2 week Phase I, but I like the idea that it is almost "cleansing" and "preparing" the body for a new start. So...onward and upward!

Oopsie

Geesh...it hasn't even been two weeks and here I am posting about my first slip-up. I've already told myself that I'm not going to count it as a failure...I prefer "oopsie." As long as I don't let these "oopsies" become a habit I think I can forgive myself and move on (this is usually where I have thrown my hands in the air and given up).

Our local movie theatre has a deal going where you buy their "special" bucket of popcorn and you can have refills for 50 cents the rest of the year...whenever you want. Several months ago we bought the bucket while going to watch "Hell Boy." So, we were watching a movie at home today and my husband (no use blaming him) I decided to go get a refill for our at-home-movie viewing enjoyment. I thought, "Oh I will just have a few handfulls." And wouldn't you know but that darn popcorn bucket hopped right over into my lap and forced me to consume 3/4 of the popcorn it contained.

Well, not really, but I was shocked to "suddenly" feel the bottom of the popcorn bucket in the midst of our movie. It was almost as if I wasn't conscious that I was totally pigging out (note to self: if you are going to eat and watch a movie make sure to promote portion control by dishing yourself a serving instead of hoarding the food and eating until gone).

It was all downhill...and kind of blurry...from there.

I "grazed" uncontrollably the rest of the day. I ate three cheese sticks, 3 or 4 grahm crackers, several bites of my husband's ramen, 4-5 handfuls of cashews...and finally...to add insult to injury I ended the day with a Big & Tasty meal from McDonalds (0h-the horror). By the time I got to the point of having McDonalds for dinner I found myself thinking, "well the damage is

done I might as well have that cheeseburger and fries I've been craving."

Then came the accountability...to myself and to the people (if there are

any) who read this blog. I thought, I'm not going to just give-up (which is usually followed by a binge and gaining 10 lbs), and I'm not going to start over (Lord knows I've done the "start-over" diet one too many times). I'm going to accept the fact that I screwed up...learn from it...forgive myself and move on.

Whew-that feels so much better than wallowing in it.

Week1: 13.5lbs down 153.5 to go

Well, I'm not surprised but I am excited! I've lost 13.5 pounds in one week!

Okay, I know this is normally not a healthy weight loss, but you have to know where I'm coming from. I do not expect this kind of loss every week. In the past the first week is always a big loss, because prior eating habits make me bloat so bad. So, the first week is usually a lot of water weight...and my body knows how to carry it. Case in point: after giving birth to my son last year I lost 45lbs in 2 weeks...ALL WATER I retained while pregnant.

I'm also going to give myself a little credit...some of the weight I lost this past week is more than just water. I ate REALLY well and worked hard at it. I wanted to spend this first week just focusing on getting started and understanding my eating habits. The food diary has helped a lot with that.

So, I'm off to a good start!

Mind Over Stomach?

I was hungry this afternoon. My stomach told me so. It was aching and grumbling: "need food."

So, I grabbed an apple, and I was skeptical that it would feed the needs of my stomach. It was scrumptious and juicy. After I ate it I thought, " I need to eat something more."

Since I've been trying to be more "conscious" of my eating habits I stopped to think about if I was really hungry.

Is my stomach still grumbling? No

Is my stomach still achy? No

Does my body show any physical signs of hunger? No

Why do I think I "need" more?

These are the behaviors I want to change. I automatically assumed the apple wouldn't feed my hunger, as a result I was already telling myself I needed to eat more when in reality the apple did the trick.

After making this simple realization it was a little easier to tell myself that I didn't need to go rummage through my cupboards for something more to eat.

Go me!

The THRILL of Eating

These first two weeks I will be trying to get into the groove of being aware of what I eat and developing a better understanding of my relationship with food.

I've been thinking a lot about that, and while food is a comfort for me...it's been more about being free. Free to eat whatever I want and enjoy it...it's the best feeling. Granted at the end of the day, weeks, months, years I paid for it.

Growing up and into the first years of college I've always been so disciplined. I studied hard and got good grades; I ran the house and took care of my brother and sister while my single mom worked several jobs to make ends meet; I was strict with my eating habits and exercise...I did everything that everyone expected of me without giving it much thought. I've always been a "pleaser." However, as I got older I knew what I was "supposed" to do, but not really what I wanted to do. I would say this is a typical crisis of young adulthood. Everyone works through it and gets on their feet. But, for some reason instead of working through it I just let loose, and instead of being wild and crazy I kind of stopped caring so much. I began to withdraw and found that I could "let loose" with food.

It started with sneaking food, because everyone always knew me as a health nut, and I didn't want them to see me eating an entire pack of cookies or the entire bag of chips, or 3-4 candybars at at time. I would sneak food and just relish every moment of eating it...almost thrilled with the idea that I shouldn't be eating it. I probably gained 30lbs in the course of a year doing the sneak-binge. The only good thing about sneaking is that you can't be sneaky all the time, so it limited my binges.

However, when I got married I saw a whole new world of eating possibilities. My husband LOVES to eat, and he LOVES to eat A LOT! He encouraged me to join in with him, and it was like my fantasy...to be able to share in the thrill of eating all of those "naughty" foods with someone who enjoyed the food as much as me. He didn't judge me or put on any guilt trips...he enjoyed seeing my "healthy" appetite, and loved me all the more for it. I didn't realize it at the time, but I used food to create an emotional connection with my husband. When I think about all of the fun times with my husband most of those memories include food. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and our relationship is based on MUCH more than just food, but I'm starting to recognize how I relate with and connect to food, and this is a BIG part of it.

Here I am eight years later. Eight years of telling myself I didn't care, and that I should "eat, drink and be merry." I've come to realize that it has been a false sense of merriment, and turned into not caring about myself. Eating can still be fun and OH-SO-GOOD, but I'm done eating in a way that is abusive to my body and my soul.

It's time to start caring and KICK ASS!

New Beginnings/New Rules

It's only taken eight years, but I'm finally taking myself and my weight seriously. Sure, I've attempted to lose weight on more than one occasion: Slim Fast (twice), Atkins (three times), Weight Watchers (three times), 1200 calorie diet (twice), a few cleansing diets here and there...and I'm sure I'm missing a few. I've had success at some level with all of these diets. However, I don't think I was truly committed to staying the course, because as soon as I hit a plateau or a rough spot I would throw my hands in the air and give up. The past two years I've totally given up on dieting and watching what I eat all together, and as a result I'm at my HEAVIEST WEIGHT.

So, what's different now? Why do I think I will stay committed to changing my lifestyle?

For once in my life I care about myself...and my "journey" there is for another blog. But, the point is that I want to be healthy for ME and I don't want to miss out on life anymore. I don't want to hide in the house from my friends and family in embarrassment. I want to be there for my husband and son in ways that my weight has limited me both physically and emotionally. I want to do things like ride a roller coaster, not stress about the airplane seat & seatbelt fitting me, slide down the slide or swing in a swing with my little boy; not have to worry about if I will fit in a booth or a chair at a restaurant or movie theatre. I don't want to have spend the rest of my life paying double the life insurance premium because my weight is not only a health risk, but a risk to my LIFE.

It's just time.

So, what is my plan? There is no diet...only a lifestyle change. I plan to follow Six Rules:

1) Eat to Live: as opposed to living to eat. I'm learning to accept that the quanity and quality of the foods I consume has to change. My focus will be on eating whole grains, lean proteins, and vegetables. Of course portion sizes directly correlate with this rule, and I will turn to the portion sizes that I learned from Weight Watchers.

2) "Treat" Yourself: While I will be trying to make better food choices I don't want to completely limit myself, because as soon as I put a food on the "NEVER" list it's all I can think about. I will occasionally treat myself, but not let my treat consume me. On days that I do treat myself I will either have to cut back at a certain meal or have a longer workout.

3) Move that Ass: I plan to get at least 45min of exercise five days a week. My goal is to eventually achieve six hours of exercise every week.

4) Bedtime: I'm a firm believer that the amount of sleep we get directly correlates with our weight. I do not get enough sleep, simply because I choose to got bed at midnight. My new bedtime: 10pm. I may not be asleep by 10pm, but I will be on my way, which will give my body the rest it needs to function at its best.

5) When the Going Gets Tough - Kick ASS!: I'm going to have bad days. Days when I eat too much. Days when I don't exercise or stay up too late. Days when I just want to give up and return to the comfort zone of food. But, that is when I'm going to come to this blog and post my frustrations and then look through the blogs on my Blogroll of Inspiration to keep me going in the right direction. I'm going to accept the bad days and limit them to just that: A BAD DAY...instead of letting them keep me down.

6) Food Journal: I plan to keep a food journal to not only help me track what I eat, but also record the emotions I feel when I eat certain foods, when I'm hungry, when I'm full, etc. I'm an emotional eater and I feel like I need to understand how my emotions affect my eating habits.